Friday Five: Martini, Anyone?

It's been a helluva week. Back to work after a not-so-relaxing vacation, working through lunch, staying late at work, drama at work... I need a drink. Maybe even five. And maybe I'll throw a little sex in at the end.


1. If you haven't tried Voyant Chai Cream Liqueur (750 ml Bottle/$22.99), go out and get some tonight. You can drink it straight, or use it for all sorts of exotic martinis.

THE CHAITINI
- 3 oz Voyant Chai Cream Liqueur
- Splash of Vanilla Vodka
- 1 oz Coffee Liqueur

Combine ingredients over ice in a shaker and shake well. Strain into a chilled martini glass and garnish with a few coffee beans.

2. Here's another with Voyant:

HAZELNUT CHAI HEAVEN

- 2 oz Voyant Chai Cream Liqueur
- 1/2 oz White Crème De Cacao
- 1 oz Frangelica Hazelnut Liqueur
- 1/2 oz Orgeat (Almond) Syrup
- 1/2 oz Aged Rum

Dip martini glass in chocolate syrup then into saucer with crushed nuts (preferably hazelnuts). Combine ingredients with ice in a shaker. Shake well and strain into rimmed martini glass. Garnish with a little whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.

3. Here's a fun one from Martiniart.com, which bills itself as "your one-stop source for everything martini". The recipe below is mucho appropriate for me this week.

CRAZY IN DA COCONUT MARTINI

This martini concoction has a bit of a tropical island flair. If you can't seem to get away for a nice vacation, perhaps this martini will be a worthy substitute.

- 6 ounces of freezing Van Hoo vodka.
- 1 fresh Mexican vanilla bean. If you can't find the Mexican variety, you can use a Madagascar vanilla bean, which is most common.
- 1 tablespoon of cream of coconut.
- 1 teaspoon of fresh coconut flakes.

Add a few drops of the cream of coconut to 2 freezing martini glasses, and put them back in the freezer until called upon. Carefully slice the vanilla bean lengthwise and scrape the insides into a shaker 3/4 full of cracked ice. Drop the vanilla bean into the shaker. The remaining cream of coconut goes into the shaker. A good full minute of shaking (stirring is not an option here). Strain your martini into the glasses in which you've added the cream of coconut. Top each glass with a few coconut flakes. Spin a good Latin rhythm and enjoy!

4. Since I love Voyant and autumn is around the corner, here's another from their website.

VOYANT PUMPKIN CHAI MARTINI

- 3 oz Voyant Chai Cream Liqueur
- A dash or two of Ground Cinnamon
- 1 oz Vanilla Vodka
- Add some Pumpkin Puree if desired

Dip martini glass in chocolate syrup then into orange sugar crystals and then chocolate sprinkles. Combine ingredients (including the ground cinnamon) with ice in a shaker. Shake Well and strain into the rimmed martini glass. Garnish with some ground cinnamon and a cinnamon stick.

5. And of course there's the recipe for a classic martini, which varies ever so slightly according to the sources I consulted when writing the short story "Martini Girl" for an erotica antho called Screaming Orgasms and Sex on the Beach. This book includes about twenty cocktail-related stories (recipes included!). According to editor Shanna Germain, "From the down-and-dirty Flying Fuck, Blow Job and Martini Girl to the sweet Rain Man and Beau Nouveau, these stories will arouse not just your body, but your taste buds." Look for it later this year in print from Pretty Things Press. Until then here's the recipe and a taste:

CLASSIC MARTINI

- 2 jiggers dry gin
- 1/2 jigger dry vermouth
- Olive

Put ingredients over ice in cocktail shake. Shake vigorously and pour into a well chilled cocktail glass

Martini Girl

A girl walks into a bar and the girl is me, and I really need a drink because it’s been a helluva day. Martini Joe’s is crowded tonight but I’m a regular so I wave the bartender my way and ask, “Can you make me a martini? A classic—none of that fruity crap.”

He cups his ear, but before I can shout out my order again, the hot guy beside me butts in. “I can make you a martini,” he says, “if you can take off your clothes.”

“Whoa, buddy. I just got here.” And although I’m desperate for a drink and hoping to get laid tonight, I hadn’t planned to move quite so fast.

He grins. “Believe it or not, I wasn’t talking about sex.” He extends his hand. “My name’s Jake. Jake Rice.”

Jake Rice. Jake Rice... I’d heard the name before, but can’t place it. He clues me in as my palm presses into his. “You may have heard my name. I’m a photographer.”

Ah. I’d heard his name all right. At the ad agency where I work, he’d been brought on to do design work on a national campaign for a new winemaker. The photos he came up with were the kind of naughty, freaky shit we could only place in magazines for men. We talked about that project for months after it was done...

“I’m Olivia Juarez.” His hand is warm and strong. He’d be a good screw. I don’t want to let go. “And I’ve seen your work.” He grins wider, so I add, “There’s no way in hell I’ll get naked for your photos.”

“Then can I paint you?”

I look away. The images he’d come up with flashed into my head. Naked women with perfect pink pussies. Dark drips of Cab or Merlot splashed onto pert pale asses. And grapes, of course. Grapes capping off nipples and clits. Whole clusters hanging from labia rings or draped over cocks being sucked by luscious red female lips...

When I’d described the pictures to my friends, they didn’t see the appeal. Then the ads hit the stands and I showed them. They all agreed: this was hot kinky stuff, the stuff of fantasies. The stuff of my fantasies. I still have the mags in my panty drawer—right next to my vibrator—to prove it.

“Buy me that drink, and we’ll talk.”

* * *

Cheers and enjoy your weekend!

Check out this tat!

Isn't this cool? Julie kindly allowed me to post her tattoo here. I really like it!

Thanks, Julie!

Oh, and here's another shot of Nunez from Miami Ink. I figured you all wouldn't mind another pic of this hottie. (Sorry, Rhet - maybe I should find a hot chick pic for you?)

A Cat and a Tat

Here's a picture of my Birman, Andre. Ain't he pretty? Congratulations to Danette who won the Loose-Id tat contest! I've been poking around the web and think a butterfly will be at the top of my list should I ever go through with it.

And the best man for the job (okay, maybe just the hottest man for the job) is a cutie named Nunez from Miami Ink.



The only problem is that I'd probably be squirming too much under his talented hands for him to ink me ;)

As for a design, I like this butterfly. Maybe have more red and incorporate my child's name in the wings. Like Paul in Any Ordinary Day, I have a scar and would like to camouflage it by letting it be one of the eyespots on the wings.



Have a good week, everyone!

Tagged by Sasha :)

The talented Sasha White tagged me for a fun "four" meme. Here goes:


Four jobs I've had or currently have in my life:

1. Prison librarian
2. Marketing Director
3. Writer
4. A really, really lousy waitress for one summer during college

Four countries I've been to:

1. Canada
2. China
3. The Netherlands
4. Singapore (okay, these last two were layovers)

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. Scotland
2. San Francisco
3. NYC
4. Napa Valley, where hubby is taking a wine tour for his work. Lucky duck.

Four foods I like to eat:

1. Chocolate
2. Fetticine Alfredo
3. Lobster
4. Pears

Four personal heroes, past or present:

1. My mom
2. My dad
3. My sister
4. Too many throughout history to name

Four books you've read or are currently reading:

1. Sex with the Queen by Eleanor Herman
2. Lush by Sasha White
3. The Trouble with Allie by Lisa Andel
4. The Dark Garden by Eden Bradley

Four words or phrases you would like to see used more often:

1. Yes, dear. Right away.
2. Please
3. Thank You
4. Congratulations, Laura Bacchi! You've just won five million dollars from...

Four reasons for ending a friendship:

1. S/he lies to me
2. S/he uses me
3. S/he talks behind my back
4. S/he doesn't treat other people with respect

Four smells that make you feel good about the world:

1. Sweets baking in the oven
2. The way my kid smells after playing outside
3. The woods out back after a rain
4. Murphy Oil Soap

My question: Four favorite activities you did as a kid:

1. Making up stories
2. Drawing
3. Riding my bike
4. Fishing with Dad

That was fun. Time to tag someone else... How about Bridget Midway, Babe King, and Kristen?

Friday Five: Laura's Dream Tattoos (and a contest)

And I do mean dream, because I'm a wus. Needles freak me out, but today's Friday Five is all about tats, and if you've read Any Ordinary Day, you know that Paul has an unusual one. Here are the five I'd get if I had the cojones. (Sorry - no pics. I couldn't find ones I liked on the Net and I didn't want to break out the Sharpies and the digital camera.)

1. I'm really into butterflies. I think one on the shoulder or lower back would be nice.

2. Always have liked the black Celtic armband thing. Of course, this look won't quite be the same on my flabby, pushing-40 arms, now will it?

3. A henna-look bracelet. Something delicate.

4. I've always been a big fan of paisleys. Maybe one that curls around my belly button on one side for an asymetric look.

5. A heart in a private area with my husband's name on it? I dunno. Unfortunately most people spell his name incorrectly, so I'll have to be real careful about this one...

Have a tat? Want one? Post a comment about the ink you have or want by 9 pm EST this Sunday, and I'll pick a winner soon after. The winner gets a $10 gift certificate at Loose Id to buy whatever they want. And if you've already read Any Ordinary Day and know about Paul's tattoo, email me off the blog at laura@laurabacchi.com with that info as well and I'll enter your name twice. Good luck!

Just Released: Any Ordinary Day!

Today was no ordinary day for me... It's out! It's out! I'm so excited :)

Abandoned places have always fascinated me, so I used old subway tunnels as the setting for fight scenes in Any Ordinary Day. Since this novella, my first with Loose Id, released today, I thought I'd share some links that helped me get a feel for writing this MM dragon-shifter novella.

- Forgotten NY - Subways & Trains

- A site featuring Brooklyn Bridge platforms

- Although this is Rochester, this place had a gritty feel.

- And for architectural decay with an artsy flair, check out Ars Subterranea's photo gallery.

There are some places I'd love to visit in person when writing a story but, even though some of these images are beautiful in their own way, I'm glad someone else did the legwork for me!

There's a big excerpt from Any Ordinary Day up at the Loose Id website. Please take a peek when you get a chance, and if you like what you see, you can buy it here.

Tattoo You

My eight-year-old informed me the other day that she won't be getting any tattoos. I said, "That's good to know. At least until you're eighteen, right?"

"Yep," she said. "I'll be using Sharpies til then."

Ack! We have a ton of Sharpies at home, so they're under lock-and-key now. Just kidding... I know their inks come off skin (eventually). So on Friday, I think I'll blog about the five tats I'd like but am too chicken to get, especially since tomorrow's release at Loose Id involves a half-finished tattoo on Paul.

Got ink? Care to share?

Friday Five: Is There a Doctor in the House?

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Linky Winky

Feeling lazy today, so here are some links to share...

Over at Jasmine's Grotto, my amazing crit partner is talking about sexual tension.

Speaking of critiquing, the talented Shanna Germain shares tips for getting feedback to your work.

And the lovely Lisa Andel posted a twisted quiz: Sex Toy or Baby Toy? It's just plain wrong, folks.

Finally (and NWS) is Sasha White's picture of the new towel racks she's considering for her bathroom. I could use a few new towel racks like that.

Go look. You know you want to ;)

The ePub Pond

We swim in a small sea, at least in my opinion. We test the waters here and there looking for the best sales or to try something new. Reviews seem harder to get than two years ago when I first dipped my toe into the water. We all talk on forums about the best promo tactics, the best giveaways. I'm convinced there is no magic bullet.

Some authors feel the need to write fast because a new book is the best promo, in their opinions. I can't write fast so that one won't work for me. Plus, when you're a wild card, you can't necessarily expect sales from a core group of readers. It shifts, like the content of my work shifts.

Then there are big fish in small ponds and small fish in big ponds. I don't know where I fit in some days, or where I can hope to make a bit of a splash. So, after a few days of soul-searching and whining, I've decided to:

1) Quit whining to hubby, friends, or anyone who will listen. I'm going to write instead.

2) Try to write longer. I've got a few things in the works that will be longer than my normal extended short stories or novellas. Readers surveyed at one ePub of mine say they want longer stuff. Slow-poke me will try her best. Of course, I'll still write some shorts, which will slow me down and keep me from focusing on the longer work. I'm a short story writer at heart. What can I do? :)

3) Try for print in 2008. It's now or never in my opinion. The NY erotic romance market is flooded.

4) Keep doing what I love best--writing erotic shorts. These are my favorite things. Edits are quicker because the word count is lower. And I like the possibility of being in a small press antho with writers I admire.

5) Rethink whether I truly belong in the romance category. One day, I want to write a thriller with a lot of erotic content and perhaps a touch of romance. Maybe that's the direction I need to head in...

Until then, I'll tread water and stay proud of my sales whatever they may be. When you're doing something that you love, you stay in the water be it clear or murky, crowded or thinning out as folks sign with NY.

In other news, here's a new blog about epublishing called Loose Change created by Margaret Riley of Changeling Press and Treva Harte of Loose-Id.

Friday Five: Why Pirates Rock

Hubby told me this morning that Pirate Master got cancelled. I don't watch much TV but this was one guilty pleasure I indulged in without fail each Thursday night and I'll certainly miss it. So in mourning of its cancellation, today's Friday Five is all about why I like pirates and would wanna be one...if ships had AC, showers, electricity, etc.



1. Pirates have the best bling. Ah, to run my hands through a chest filled with jewelry! Pearls! Rubies, emeralds, and doubloons!!!

2. The ships were full of hard-working, sweaty men. Okay, they probably stunk to high heavens and had nasty teeth and scurvy, but oh to be on board with a rough lot of horny men. *sigh*


3. Then again a ship full of horny men probably took care of each other's needs. Ah, to be a fly on the wall during a wild buccaneer orgy. If gay pirates float your boat (pun intended), check out my free MM pirate tale.

4. Not to be confused with pirate bling is, well, a pirate's booty. This guy looks like he's got a nice one, and I'm not sure if he's a pirate but who cares with that body? Just turn around, honey. Show Miss Laura the booty. Oh hell, go ahead and uncover the "jewels" before you do. It all looks good ;)


5. Last but not least, pirates are good campy fun. You've got puns and stereotypes galore to play with. Here's a 300-word flash of mine that appeared at Ruthie's Club during their Pirate Festival issue. Enjoy, matey!

Twenty Lashes

"Twenty lashes, and not one less for the thieving bitch." Captain Orangebeard fondled my tit, then gave it a pinch. "Unless you prefer more."

I spat in his good eye.

Never pick pockets while ill. One bloody sneeze, and I'd been caught by the worst pirate of the lot. He'd carried me to his ship and ordered his crew to strip me bare on the coldest day in December. I shivered with both chill and dread, and tested the ropes that spread my limbs wide.

Whatever they had in mind couldn't be any worse than starvation. I closed my eyes and said a silent prayer for my young brothers, still waiting at home for some bread.

A cheer rang out. Orangebeard dropped to his knees. I looked down in time to see his tongue wriggle over his lips like a hungry maggot.

"Count 'em out, Miss." He leaned closer to my quim. "And remember, I stop at twenty."

His hot tongue whipped across my sensitive flesh. When I didn't speak, he glanced up. "Well?"

I gritted my teeth and hid any signs of pleasure. "One."

When he reached ten, the moisture between my thighs betrayed me. He fingered me roughly, and I bit my lip to keep quiet. By fifteen, I was close. But the bastard waited longer between each lick, and the feeling inside my womb stalled. When twenty came, alas, I had not.

They released me. I threw on my dress and ran all the way home.

My brothers gathered 'round and hugged me tight. John called out loudest over the din. "They said you'd been caught by Orangebeard himself." He brushed away a tear. "Did he whip you, sis?"

"No whipping, sweet." I ruffled his hair while my sex trembled. "But I did get a good tongue-lashing."

* * *

Have a great weekend!

Cover Art for Any Ordinary Day

It's here, and it's by the very talented Anne Cain :)

Unless things have changed, I believe this novella is slated for an August 21st release. Here's the blurb again.

On any ordinary day, a guy like Paul Murray expects more shit from his boss, a new car repair bill and another lonely night at home. But when his car dies during rush hour, he’s rescued by a man who might just make him experience something extraordinary...in more ways than one.

Darrien Avanti has an agenda, and it doesn’t include the sexy loser he picks up by a smoking Yugo on his way to Manhattan. Renegade dragons from his homeland have breached the Earth’s surface in search of their own territory--and human flesh. It’s Darrien’s job to take them out before more people die. This isn’t the time to think about sex, let alone take a mate, but everything about the Top Lander tells Darrien that Paul’s the one.

Paul’s day--and life--is about to become anything but ordinary.

* * *

I'm so excited!!

Six with Lisa Andel

In the past, I enjoyed doing interviews so I thought I'd revive that bit of fun. I love learning more about erotic romance authors, what makes them tick, what we can expect from them in the future and of course any smidge of naughtiness they're willing to share with me. So, in light of the Friday Five gig, I'm calling the interviews Six with... whomever my victim, um, interviewee may be. They get a bunch of questions and pick six to answer. My first brain to pick?

Lisa Andel

LB: You write some of the best first-person around. Why first? Ever tried third?

Lisa:I've written in third person. In fact I have several WIPs that are written that way. I started with first person though, because I really need to get into my heroine’s head, feel what she feels, think her thoughts. It’s easier for me to "become" the character, visualize the scenes writing first person.

Once I can get that same connection with my heroines in third person I'll complete some of those WIPs. But until then, I'm happier with the work I'm producing this way.

LB: Tell us about your first sale. Was there screaming? Naked happy dancing? All-night orgies with hot men?

Lisa: First sale. That would be Dead Again. I’d been waiting ages to hear from a publisher on another submission. I decided to submit Dead Again to someone else. Figured I’d have another long wait coming, so why not get it started? That was so not the case. I came home from work one day, read my email, and when I got to Liquid Silver's offer I just stared at it. I couldn’t believe it. And yeah, there was screaming after that. Maybe even a little jumping up and down. Was I supposed to get hot men? Was that part of the contract? I’ll have to talk to my publisher about this oversight. The, uh, naked happy dancing came later. ;)



LB: What writers do you enjoy reading for fun? Which have influenced you and how?

Lisa: My favorite author is Janet Evanovich (her Stephanie Plum series). After that? I read a lot. A whole lot. It's funny, but I don't read much romance, or erotic romance. (Relatively speaking). I have read you. I think everyone should read your books. [LB: Thanks, Lisa!]

Other authors I enjoy: James Rollins, Matthew Reilly, Robin Cook, Jack Du Brul, Kathy Reichs, Tom Corcoran. I've read some of Sherrylin Kenyon's work as well as Katie MacAlister's. Mary Daheim, Tami Hoag's later stuff, Linda Barnes. Hell, I've read thousands of books by thousands of different authors.

My favorite genres are action/adventure, medical thrillers or science fiction. I used to read a ton of science fiction. I didn't even list any of those authors. There were a lot of them.

Which have influenced me? All of them? I've got a brain full of information and ideas from all those book I've read. It just had to get out. I figured it was a lot less messy to write than to allow my head to explode.

As for the sex? Let's just say I've spent my life personally researching that topic. A...sport that I absolutely adore. :D

LB: Tell us about your recent and upcoming releases, and your current works-in-progress.

Lisa: Out in June was "Tia's Leash," which is part of the Three anthology with Bonnie Dee and T.A. Chase at Liquid Silver Books. Here's the blurb:

Tia West is the problem. Part human, she can't even shift, but she's loaded with enough sexual chemistry to drive the males of her pack crazy with lust. They can't keep their hands off her even as they fear accidentally mating someone so... human. The females of her pack just want her dead.

Unfortunately, whatever it is about Tia that's driving men wild is only getting stronger. When she starts taking lovers not only outside of the pack but outside of her species, Mason, her alpha, insists that she belongs to the pack. And they don't share.

But Tia is discovering that there's much more to sex than pure animal lust. Now she must risk the wrath of her pack if she wants to take a chance on two very different men who not only want to protect her... but are willing to share.

Contains M/F/M, anal sex, double penetration, shapeshifter sex... and more orgasms than you can, uh, poke a stick at.

Flame Angel released at the end of July at Ellora's Cave, and Demon Hunting from Liquid Silver is ready and waiting for a release date. It's the second book in the Orion Authority series, the first in the Ashley, IL subseries. Confused? I've got the Orion Authority set in three different cities in the U.S. Each city has its own series that progressively interact with the other cities' characters.

Here's the blurb for Demon Hunting:

The only good demon is a dead demon. True or False?

In Ashley, Illinois the answer is false. Only demons intent on harming humans deserve to die. That's a good thing, too, since their most powerful hunter, Dylan Vaughan, is full of the dark magic of the netherworld.

Savage heads the local hunters in this town, and a new one has just appeared that is determined to hunt on Vaughan's turf. Terri Peterson. The leader sees her potential though, and is willing to do anything to convince Vaughan to form an ... alliance with her.

Terri doesn't have a clue. Raised by a human family, kidnapped and taken to the netherrealm by her biological father at the age of fourteen, it's taken her nine years to make it back to the surface. Now her only goal is to stop her fathers demons from doing harm.

Find out what happens when dark and light magics, werewolves, and other supernaturals join forces to keep humans safe. And what the demons are doing in your town, when the sun goes down.

Here's the blurb for Flame Angel, a stand alone paranormal, though I’ve gotten several requests for sequels, so I’m considering this.

Little did Angie know she was about to attract the most dangerous man in town; Kraid Devon, the Dragon. Or that the attraction would be wildly mutual.

Angie has an affinity to fire. Especially the kind of fire she creates with a certain Dragon, despite the fact he's the scariest man she's ever met.

Devon intends to capture the fiery witch, and keep her as his own, no matter what it takes. It's been foretold.

See just how hot things really get... when fire meets fire.

Explicit sex, shapeshifter sex, multiple partners M/F/M.

As for what's in store, there are several. I'm a terror when it comes to starting new ideas. I've got over 100 WIP folders going right now. [LB: Eek!!!] The one's I'm trying to focus on though are; the sequel to Her Werewolf (EC), one called Assassin (WT) for EC, The V.W. Hunt Club, which is the third book in the Orion Authority series and the first book in the Dover Station, SC subseries (LSB), a sidequel to Dead Again (LSB), and the short story for the fairy tale anthology that I'm doing with Lila Dubois and T.A. Chase (also LSB).

Then there's the story that just spewed out of me a week or so ago. I just started writing and somehow ended up with 20K in two days. The other one that's also closer to completion than any of the ones I should be working on is a shifter book that I'll be submitting to EC, sometime in the hopefully near future.

LB: I'd ask what you do in your spare time, but it appears you have very little! So let's say you've just won the lottery. Do you still write? What would you do with all the dough?

Lisa: Of course I'd still write. (Remember, my head will explode if I don't). I wouldn't be able to enjoy all that dough if that happened. And with all that dough I could keep myself equipped with the latest laptops. Buy myself a great home somewhere warm with all kinds of cool conveniences to make my "office" area extra comfy. Hey, if I won enough I could even hire my own cover models. Yeah, I like that idea.

Not philanthropic enough for you? I'd like to say that I'd donate the majority of the money to a worthy cause, but I know good and well I'd never do it. I'd want to live for once, see something, do something, without having to worry about paying the bills.

LB: Do you think you'll ever step outside of the paranormal genre?

Lisa:I have several WIPs that are not paranormal. I even have a couple completed books that aren't. I've written both sci-fi and contemporary. Right now though, I'm just establishing my name as an author, so I thought it best if I stuck to the one genre. After I've been around for a while, I'll go ahead with the others.

LB: Well, whatever you decide to write, I'm sure it'll knock people's socks off... and other articles of clothing. ;) First-person is tougher to write, well, tougher than most people think. Lisa, you know how to do it right. Folks, if you like paranormal, Dead Again is a must-read. Check out the prologue and first chapter of this bestseller from Liquid Silver Books. Thank you, Lisa, for letting me interview you. For more about this talented author, visit her website, Liquid Silver Books, and Ellora's Cave. You won't be disappointed.

Laura's Friday Five: Why Hardware Turns Me On

Everyone's doing those cool Thursday Thirteen blog posts and dammit I can never think of 13 things. So I saw some place talk about a Friday Five. This is more my speed. And for my first Friday Five I thought I'd blather on about something near and dear to my heart... the sexual appeal of hardware.

1. When my then-boyfriend/now-husband and I were impoverished art students, a trip to the hardware store was a date. We'd find whatever stuff we needed--wood for canvas, heavy duty staples, that kind of thing--and roam around Lowe's or HQ for a while afterwards just touching stuff and seeing if it would work for our 3-D class. I'd gaze lovingly at the large rolls of thick steel chain and wonder how much it'd cost if I bought enough for him to wrap me in it from head to toe. Hardware stores have some big-ass chain. I'm drooling as I type.

2. There are pervertibles galore in hardware stores. Nails poking out between knuckles can be scraped along the arches of your feet or the tender insides of your thighs. Not enough to break skin, but just enough to know it could happen. Pliers for nipples, spring clamps and vises... the list goes on and on.

3. In a crowded aisle, the scent of hard-working construction types lingers. Lean in close to ask their advice and breathe in deeply.

4. Those free wooden paint stirrers are good for a quick warm-up before a full-fledged paddling. Grab a couple because they break easily ;)

5. Two words: Cable ties. Wrists, ankles, nipples, cocks--the hardware store offers a variety of size to help you secure any body part needing a little constriction. As always, safety first; you don't to damage anything by restricting blood flow for too long.

Whew! I made it to five. That was easier than I thought. Tune in next Friday for whatever the hell I decide to yack about.